I got a card in the mail last week notifying me that it was time to renew my driver's license, and would I kindly take time off from work to schlep to the nearest outpost of the Texas DPS to address the matter. No biggie. I took today off so that I could prepare for tomorrow's drive to Florida in leisure, so I got myself around, rounded up the check book and my social security card (do you know where yours is?), and headed up county.
At the DPS, the line was mercifully short, and the only real delay was the time required to fill out a form with a bunch of yes/no questions (in English, and also in the official language of Texas) that seemed very interested in establishing whether or not I'm prone to various sorts of seizures. As if anyone wanting a license would actually answer “yes” if he/she were. Personally, I'd rather have questions regarding the applicant's legal status and whether or not he/she were entitled to hold a license. But that's just me.
Over the years, I've seen the renewal process change. First came the electronic signature thingy, which inexplicably provides no visual feedback so that the result always looks like something forged by a crack addict in the midst of withdrawal. Then came the requirement to be thumbprinted – in ink, initially, and now electronically. Sometime in the last ten years or so, subtle, hard to fake designs incorporating the state seal were added to the license itself.
This time, there was a new twist.
“Please take off your glasses and stand with your toes on the white line so I can take your picture,” the unusually pleasant clerk directed.
I did as I was asked and removed my glasses. Unfortunately, having done so I was no longer capable of discerning where the white line might be, much less whether or not my toes were on it. After a few uncomfortable moments, the clerk suggested I put my glasses back on, stand with my toes on the white line, and then remove my glasses. Which did the trick.
Next, the clerk used a big pair of scissors to cut the top edge off my license to invalidate it and then gave me a receipt way too large to easily fit in my wallet, which I was to carry in my wallet to make my invalidated license kind of valid until the new one arrives.
“So, why did you have me take my glasses off?” I asked. “I'm not vain about them; that's just the way I look.”
She explained that “we” – by which, I assume, she meant herself and the rest of Texas DPS and not including me – are using face recognition technology now, and that doesn't work with the glasses on. Face recognition?? What's up with that? I can't even figure out how to use T9 to compose a complete text message, and we've got face recognition data being tied in to our drivers' licenses?
The senses consume. The mind digests. The blog expels.
Certain individuals keep telling me that I should be a writer (Hi Mom). This is probably as close as I'll ever come to making that happen.
24 October, 2008
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7 comments:
This is great news. If this was the only pre-req? My mom, my sister, Julia Stiles, and I could all swap licenses when needed.
I had a woman tell me, "Honey, it aint gonna get any better.." after one take. Sure it would. I was only 8 months bloated..er, pregnant. I looked more like Tommy Boy's rendition of Fat Guy in A Little Coat.
Face recognition?
As in, they can now take video feed and run it through the DMV database and pick you out of the crowd like you were wearing neon balloon hats?
That is Big Brother, my friend.
Gag.
Oh, but don't you feel safer?
Sheet.
Getting a new driver's license is one of life's greatest joys. Missouri finally requires everyone to prove that they are here legally, which is great until I can't find my own original birth certificate. Then the joke is on me. I thought the new law was supposed to inconvenience those who are here, you know, illegally.
@bee: you certainly could do a lot worse than to share biometrics with Julia Stiles.
@liz: Exactly. Scary, ain't it?
@gwynne: Silly rabbit. Didn't you know we're the usurpers and aren't supposed to be here?
I had the same feeling of mild panic when I read that I'd need to present my SSN card and wasn't immediately sure where I'd stashed it for safe keeping. Who knew that such an unassuming little card could be so important?
I thought VA was behind but at least the DMV has machines which print a license in only a few minutes so you walk out with the crappy new picture in hand.
I have practiced for years and have perfected my "driver's license smile". It worked every time until I began to exceed the maximum girth capacity for my image to even fit on the license.
anne..maximum girth capacity? That comment made me laugh racously the first time today.
I feel akin to you Foo, we both live in states where the native tongue is English. BONUS
Although I don't understand the face recognition thing, and working in the realm of the "popo" I don't understand how that is going to make an officer recognize you when he looks at your license in comparison to the mug he see's in the car when he pulls you over for having tabs that expired at midnight.
Maybe they are shooting lazers into your eyeballs, and taking imagines of your retina? For later experiments on your eyes when you become dead and donate your organs? Or maybe it puts you on a list of donors unbeknownst to you, and when a famous or rich person needs a new eyeball, they access the list and can then "off" you in order to get your eyeball.
Ok I've gotten a little off base here, I need to regroup.
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