Making adjustments

I've been having a disappointing amount of trouble (or a troubling amount of disappointment, perhaps) getting my climbing legs this year. Last season, I felt like a mountain goat; this year, I just feel like an old goat. I haven't had to walk this many hills in the entire time since I switched to the recumbent bike.

To say I've been feeling dispirited is an understatement. Turtle's gotten tired of hearing me kvetch about feeling like a loser, so when my recumbent-riding buddies, The Stradas, told us how ecstatic they are with their chiropractor's work with Mr. Strada's IT band and Mrs. Strada's back, she made an appointment for me and made me promise to keep it.

So I did. Yesterday, after work, I showed up at the chiropractor's office and spent half an hour filling out reams of forms promising that no matter how severely I might become temporarily or permanently disabled, I wouldn't hold the practitioner responsible. No big deal, I thought. It's not as if I'm here to have my broke-down neck and back worked on. He's just going to help me clear the lactic acid from my legs.

After a while, I was shown to the examination room. The doctor came in and I was immediately struck by how triangular he was. From shoulders to waist, like a pyramid stood on its head. Neck like a bull's; biceps as large as my thighs.

“Haveyoubeentoachiropractorbefore?” he asked, speaking so rapidly that I had to play the question back in my head before I understood what he'd said.

“No,” I said. Then, ignoring the little voice that warned me not to provoke someone who twists necks for a living, I felt somehow compelled to add, “I've always felt like chiropractors were more or less on a level with witch doctors.”

He smiled, flashing me his perfect, too-white teeth. “Ah,” he said, completely unperturbed. “I'lljusthavetoseewhatIcandotochangeyourmind,won'tI?”

He had me lie face-down on the padded table and told me he was going to do his very best to get me fixed up. Now we're cooking, I thought. Work those hamstr–

CRRUNCH!!

“Unf!” I said. Holy Mother of Pearl!! I thought.

“Now we're cooking,” Dr. Crusher said.

“Hey, I–”

CA-RRUNCH!!

“What the–”

KRAKK!

Well, you get the idea. The good news is that we're still a one-paraplegic household. The better news is that last night I had my first full night of sleep (without the aid of drugs) since last September's bike crash.

I went back today for my second session and informed Dr. Crusher that, in light of last night's pain-free sleep, he'd advanced a couple positions up the line of respectability, past voodoo priests and snake oil salesmen to just ahead of acupuncturists. He smiled, crunched my back and neck a bit more, and then went to work on my legs.